Fathering in Faith

Today is the 2 year anniversary of Christina going to be with the Lord. I’ve honestly struggled to find words this year because grief can be different and more sporadic.

But one thing that is heavy on my heart is how grief does continue to show itself throughout life. For many people reading this, there are those who have lost parents, grandparents, kids, and close friends. For me to know or understand their grief FULLY would be impossible. As I enter into year three, I think it’s just important to mention how your care for someone who has had loss in their life should continue well past the time you think is enough. Please hear me, I do not feel like this is the case for me. I feel like so many have cared so deeply for me. But I’ve seen it in those I’ve met, that sometimes people just move on, because yes it does not affect them the way that it does you. So take this time to go tell someone in your life that has experienced loss that you are praying for them and ask them how they are doing.

For me, grief has taken on a new style. It’s primarily been the grief of change and the grief of joy.

Grief of Change

You don’t see it much from me, but you can observe the possibility through social media or any other avenue. A lot has happened in my life in the last 6 months. Engaged, stepped away from vocational ministry, married, moved, and building up a coffee business.

In all of that change, there is grief.

Christina and I moved several times in our short 8.5 years together. Each home full of memories. We made our way to Owasso once so far and my old house already had the door and shutters painted a different color. I remember Christina painting those forest green. Ramsey saw a picture of him and Christina last night inside the house and he said “I miss our old house.” It’s tough to move.

Ministry. I know I’m still called, but it looks different. It starts in my home and that has been my focus. But I just told Chelsea today that every time I’m sitting in a teaching, I just feel this pull that I need to be using the gift the Lord gave me. But being super vulnerable, I’m still working through hurt. A lot of hurt that most people will never know because I care more about unity than my own vindication. Even typing those words can seem to be an angle at vindication. With that, there is one thing I want everyone to know. That it’s forgiven. I’m a sinner, others are sinners, and the Lord is gracious to us. We are then called to be gracious to one another. But forgiveness and hurt are different things. The hurt for me in all honesty is in regard to feeling like I don’t measure up to the standard people have for ministers or pastors. I feel like the enemy constantly pokes at my worth and ability to lead others and do a job well. The other way is that I don’t know if I want to endure more pain in the future. I asked the Lord this weekend what I should do as so much of this is heavy on my heart often, and I felt like He prompted me to wait on His timing. What does this have to do with grief? Two fold. One, Christina walked with me in ministry most of our adult lives. She had been hurt by those who didn’t understand her auto immune disease, she saw me go through difficult seasons as well. The second thing is that in a way, grief and joy lead to the transition that got me where I am now.

The last change is friendship. I’m extremely introverted. I’m kind of weird too 😅. So I don’t make friends super easily. It took me three years coming back to Tulsa from Houston to make a handful of good friends. And then leaving doesn’t remove those friendships in heart, but I miss their presence. And I miss the presence of my high school friends, and my college friends too. Yes, I am making new friends here and I’m thankful for that. But the deep friendships take time. I am looking forward to that though.

Grief in Joy

So much of that change is because of joy and also giving joy.

I’m not going to list every joy out there, but I want to focus on the main thing. Ramsey is growing so fast! And I know without a doubt that Christina would have loved to share in his joy. He’s such a creative young man. We are also finding out he’s very protective of his brother (also sometimes a little bossy and poking at his brother too though haha). It’s such a weird and beautiful feeling to see him cling to Chelsea. That’s what he did with Christina. And Christina had even mentioned to me this is exactly what she wanted for him.

One of the newest things that has brought me to tears multiple times already is his school. His wonderful teacher has reminded me so much of Christina. Christina would pour all of her energy into her kids. And most of her time teaching was actually with pre-K, Ramsey’s age. He’s learning how to sound out letters and he loves counting. He legit counted to 100 the other day. But seeing him love his class and teacher just makes me think of her. I’m biased, but she was the best. I loved to see her impact on students. And it reminds me of how much of a blessing she was at each place she taught. And how much of a blessing those places were to us.

Every new memory brings reminders that Christina would have loved to be a part of it. I’m thankful to be able to get new and joyous memories. So grief joins joy in a little dance. I’m here for it. And I’m grateful.

Thank you for continuing to support us and our family in your prayers! Love you all.

Ps. I made an album and dedicated it to Christina. Here is the links to where you can listen:

Spotify

Apple

YouTube

There are plenty more so you can search “Refuge Joshua Caleb Mitchell” and find it.