Fathering in Faith

Ramsey and I are in Branson, MO on vacation with Christina’s side of the family! It’s been a lot of fun! And at the same time, it’s been exhausting. Vacationing with a three year old as a single dad is tough.

The toughest thing about this trip was unexpected though. I’ve cried a lot because Christina and I shared so many memories here. Over the years, it probably was our most visited vacation spot. Whether it was driving by a certain building or eating a certain food, it just had me missing her a lot.

As we walked around Silver Dollar City, I just saw these full families where kids were running up and hugging their mom’s and I just couldn’t handle it.

I am frustrated that Ramsey doesn’t have that. And he doesn’t have that with Christina who was the best mom and would do anything for him. And I haven’t talked about this much because I think it’s hard for people to understand, but I want him to have that sooner than later. And Christina did too.

2 months before Christina passed, and keep in mind she was in great health at the time, just decided to randomly ask me, “if I died, would you get married again?” 1) I was angry she asked! Why think of that? And why now? Later I would know that somehow God prompted her, but at the time I was not having it. So I told her no. And she said, “I think you should. You will be lonely and Ramsey would need a mom.” And I then told her I don’t want to talk about that now and made sure the conversation died.

Well, she was right. I am lonely. And I know Ramsey needs a present mom. But honestly, I hate this. I read the story of job and it talks about how Job has a family again after losing all his kids and I’m just over here like “but his first family is still gone! It’s not really a happy ending.”

So every time I think about a future without Christina in it, I just get mad. Seeing some of my students graduating and thinking how big moments like that feel different without one of your parents.

And all of this to say, I think way too much about the future, because the present is hard. It’s a grind. But one thing I know God has pressed on me is to not seek the future, but be present in what He is doing now. And the tough thing about that is I am so wishy washy with that. Some days I live in the present well, and some I do not.

So will you continue to keep praying for me? That I abide in the Lord now and trust him with my future and focus on the now. That I love and lead Ramsey well. That I follow God as best I can. As always, thank you for your prayers!