Fathering in Faith

I didn’t want to write anything today, but I think it was because I was hiding from the emotions it might bring out. So I’m writing, because I’m going to run toward the lion instead of away (my refuge brothers know what I’m talking about).

Christina and I both dreamed of being married early and being parents. Since we got married at 24/25 we wanted to start a family right away. But that wasn’t God’s plan. We struggled with infertility and were aimlessly trying. Anyone who has struggled with infertility could tell you that it takes a major toll on the marriage and on relationships with others even. we also fostered for a short period, and after some very difficult placements, we didn’t feel equipped to continue.

When we moved to Texas, we finally had insurance to go to a fertility doctor and found out that Christina didn’t produce viable eggs if she even did produce them that cycle. And after doing a lot of research, we decided to do embryo adoption.

When Ramsey came into the world, Christina was fully invested into this role of Mother that she longed to be for so long. She took it so seriously that Christina never missed a bedtime with Ramsey until she started teaching again and she never was gone a single night from him until she was in the hospital before she passed.

So in all honesty, today I’m angry. I’m angry that Ramsey doesn’t have a lifetime to experience her deep love for him. I’m frustrated that I sometimes can’t keep up with what we hoped for him because some days I just try and survive. I just want her here.

And I’m also broken. I’m broken for Ramsey. He’s going to have to be tough when an ignorant kid makes a “your mom” joke with him. He’s going to have so many questions as he gets older. He’s got a “bonus” mom who donated her embryo’s toward us. And his Mother is in heaven. I didn’t wish him having to have such a complicated story, so I pray that God gives me the strength to walk with him in it. Ramsey and I made Christina a flower to place at her grave in honor of Mother’s Day.

Last, I feel guilty. I feel guilty in not having the heart to wish people a happy Mother’s Day. So I apologize, for not having all the words, but I wanted to wish the mothers in my life that are still here a happy Mother’s Day.

Love you, Mom! You’ve always been someone who showed me how to love God and others! You showed me what sacrifice for family looks like. You are always the person I can lean back on when I’m down.

Love you, Robin! With this loss, knowing you are not so far from losing your own mom and still mourning the loss of your daughter. This Mother’s Day has to be difficult. Beyond what I can imagine. Thank you for being the anchor of our family here. And making so many sacrifices to be there for Ramsey.

Love you, Sis! Watching you be a mom is one of my favorite things! You are showing your kids what it looks like to love Jesus just like our mom. You bless your home through your support for your husband and your care for your children!

Love you, Hillary! We’ve probably spent more time at your house than anywhere else. You’ve been through your own trials as a mom and seasons of scary health with you and Elorah, but you have pressed on and love your children and Ramsey fiercely!

Love you, Mandy! Thanks for being Ramsey’s amazing bonus mom. I’m so glad you and Christina found each other. I feel like me and mark were along for the ride as you two clicked in a way only God made possible. Thanks for making it possible for Christina to be a mother! We will love you forever!