Fathering in Faith

Christina always loved doing the best nine pictures that started as a trend several years ago. It’s the time of the year where you look back and think about all the things to be thankful for throughout. Sadly, I’m not really thankful for 2023.

Sure, I’m always thankful for Jesus. I’m thankful for the family and friends who have supported me throughout this time. But I’m not thankful my life had to change. That I lost my best friend, partner, and love. Today at church, we sang a song that said “all my life you have been faithful.” And I truly can still sing that. I don’t understand one bit, but I do know in my being that God is good even now. But I don’t have to like His plan right now.

I wanted to write a review of 2023 looking at each month.

January

Christina was sick a lot. The winter was always tough on her health as she would have a lot of sinus issues. What that meant is that Ramsey and I made it to a lot of stores! The favorites were definitely Academy, Atwood’s, and Home Depot. At the end of January, Ramsey got an early birthday gift in a balance bike! He still loves that thing and is so fast now.

February

Ramsey’s birthday month! 2 years old! And he had such a good one! Recycling truck themed because he will forever be obsessed with them. And Valentine’s Day. We got to have a fun date getting brunch and going to golf suites. We didn’t go on dates near enough since Ramsey was born and I cherished that time so much.

March

We started a small group! I started a coffee roasting business. My parents visited. Ramsey swam for the first time. But the toughest part in March was when Christina’s sister had their third child in very difficult circumstances. Elorah was born on March 22nd and she was in the hospital all the way until May. And to add to their difficulty, the Traylor family ended up having several house issues happen around the same time.

April

Easter! I sacrificed a fake lamb at youth group. We had wonderful family time and I loved seeing Ramsey play with his cousins at Mamaw and PawPaw’s! Ramsey got a construction site book and I have a cute video of him reading “Goodnight” while on Mommy’s lap.

May

Christina’s birthday month! And our anniversary! And Mother’s Day! We had so much to celebrate and especially celebrate Christina. Right around this time, Christina and I started planning for our next embryo transfer so that Ramsey could have a sibling. At the end of the month, we went to Broken Bow with my parents, and even while being sick, we all had a great time!

June

Probably may favorite picture that didn’t make the best 9 was me and Ramsey mowing together with our tank tops and our mowing hats. Then Father’s Day! And getting my first company t-shirts in. And getting to go on another date! We ate at this breakfast place that was so stinking good. Little did I know, that was our last date. Guys, make time to date your wives. I always wanted to do more, but we stayed busy, and we were both bad at asking for people to watch Ramsey. Our next date we had planned was actually the weekend Christina passed.

July

My birthday month. Student mission trip. This month to me highlighted Christina’s selflessness so much. She took care of Ramsey while I was on the mission trip, she let me go have a gathering with friends on my birthday weekend to do nerdy things. I know Ramsey will always be told how much his mommy sacrificed for us both.

August

VBS week! Ramsey was still a bit too small so I went while each night Christina held down the fort. We went to the zoo a lot this month! And to City Cycles with Ramsey as well. And we ended the month with Mud Night and dyeing my beard hot pink!

September

My coffee made it to Salt & Soul Market in Coweta! So cool! That led to us taking several family trips to Coweta. Christina was deep into her new nutrition plan, we were eating well, working out often. Life was great. And we announced our plan to grow our family.

October

We felt overwhelming and immediate support as people were donating to our embryo transfer fund. We planned a date night. I was going full force into planning our church’s trunk or treat. Then Christina got sick. And honestly, it wasn’t worse than other times she was sick this year. She had been to the ER in September, got the breathing treatment she needed and came home. This time it didn’t work and throughout several events, she never came home. October 23rd. It sucked and still does. The rest of October was a blur to me.

November

Every emotion. Every grief. Lots of family and friends surrounding me though. I don’t think I would be able to survive without the care of everyone. Especially my family and Christina’s family. Ramsey developed a bad case of retail therapy getting gifts and going to get matchbox cars all the time. We are just getting him off that habit. Lots of survival. I found a widowers ministry and retreat and signed up to go in March 2024. I was encouraged by others who have walked through similar pain. We gathered as a family and the thanksgiving season is so difficult for Christina’s side of the family. So much loss around that time including Christina’s uncle and grandma. But we have each other’s backs and love each other deeply in the midst of sharing so much pain.

December

A busy season at the church and Ramsey getting used to his preschool at the church. Ramsey became super clingy to me as expected. Sometimes I wish I could just always be home with him. Lots of people supported my coffee business and I got a new roaster. More than ever though, I would look next to me and not see Christina. Not hold her hand. Not give her our long deep hugs. I have one of her shirts sitting with easy access in my closet so I can smell her when it’s difficult. Once again, thankful for the family time. They and Ramsey have kept me going. And you all and your support too.

At the end of this year, I’m not happy, I’m not super thankful. But I will trust God. And I will also say thank you to my family, friends, and you all who surround me with love.

Happy new year!