Fathering in Faith

Before I start this blog, I want to share my “why.” I hope and pray that this doesn’t just come across as a “poor me” or a complaint. I write these very raw and real feelings to encourage you all and to remind me of the truth that God is working in me. You might be encouraged by understanding what others like myself go through and maybe how to support them. You might be encouraged because in your own way, you are working out some things with God too. Either way, you know my goal.

I’ve been wrestling with God a lot lately. Primarily, I’m wrestling with God about the future. I just walked through a 10 day period where Christina’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and our anniversary all happened. And as I look next to me and know that Christina isn’t there, I feel alone. I’ve been blessed that so many people continue to reach out and care for me, but reality sets in. Everyone has lives, and sometimes they are just busy. So most often, the weekends are full of just me and Ramsey. Because of him, technically I’m not alone, but also because of him, it’s harder to be in more community.

So when Ramsey finally heads to bed, I sit exhausted and lonely. Then Leo hops up in my face and licks me like crazy 🤪

I’ve found ways to not just veg out. I’ve been working out consistently, roasting coffee, rock climbing. But I’m left still feeling like I don’t want this to be the norm for the rest of my life.

And I read this scripture:

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

And I ask God, “when?!” And He just responds, “on my time.” Man I’m so impatient. Here is the deal. I know God is faithful to His promises. I know he has a good (his good) plan for my life. I believe. But I also don’t. And the second part I feel like fluctuates so much.

So I find myself like this:

“Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.””
‭‭Mark‬ ‭9‬:‭24‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

It’s wild that this passage’s context is the boy who needs healing is possessed. And he has been dealing with demon since childhood. How long was this father in pain seeing this happen to his child?! He was desperate. I feel desperate. And when he says to Jesus “if you can,” Jesus responds “If I can?” And so the father gave is famous line. He believes, but he needs some help too. And here I am, feeling the same thing. I believe. I trust. But I need lots of help along the way.

While I’ve got you here, not all things are bleak. I want to share a few things that God has used to help me not fall into despair.

• I choose to lean into people instead of run. I’ve found people in my position feeling completely alone. But most of the time it’s because they choose to run from others instead of letting others in.
• I keep petitioning God. He’s the source. He’s the good Father who gives good things to his children. I will trust and believe even when I waiver.
• I keep close to God. If I don’t spend time with God, it’s a crazy noticeable difference in my heart. John 15 is such a great reminder to abide in Him deeply.